Dear Stupid Criminals, Pt. II

Continuing my tips for stupid criminals from yesterday.

  1. When you dispose of the rest of the matching towels or the drop cloth or whatever, don’t throw them away in your own trashcan. Nor your neighbor’s trashcan. Nor your mother’s, boyfriend’s, employer’s, cousin’s, or anyone or anywhere that can be linked to you. Fast food trash cans would be a good place. They have massive amounts of trash and plenty of people in and out all day, so the likelihood that the stuff you’re ditching will be found or traced to you are minimal.
  2. Let’s talk about weapons. Don’t use your own gun. Especially if it’s registered, and in your name. If you use a gun and you’re careful to wipe your prints off of it, don’t be lame and leave your prints on the bullets. If you use a knife, don’t wash it off and put it back in your cutlery drawer. Besides being gross, blood will be found and they will know it’s not from steak.
  3. Weapon disposal is our next topic. We’ve already covered not keeping any weapon you use. How do you get rid of it, though? As quickly as possible, that’s how. The only excuse to leave a weapon at the scene if it’s registered in the name of someone you greatly dislike. Otherwise, you could leave behind fingerprints, microscopic droplets or blood, sweat or saliva, (DNA testing has put a crimp in the criminal business). So, weapon needs to be removed from the scene. Not by much, though, and this is the important part. Don’t keep it in your car, take it home with you, or leave it at the house of anyone you know. Take it with you, but you also don’t want to be caught with it on you. That would be bad. Ditch it. Quickly. Where matters, though. No nearby trashcans or bushes.
  4. Seen The Departed? If not…spoiler alert! Read no further. Go rent it right now, because it’s awesome. If you did see it, the end, when Mark Wahlberg‘s character shoots Matt Damon‘s character, there is much to learn from that scene. You’ll notice that Wahlberg is wearing not only gloves, (finger print protection), but also little booties (not tracking anything into or out of Damon’s apartment), both disposable. What you may not have noticed is that he’s also wearing a nylon track suit. Know why? Because nylon doesn’t shed threads or fibers. He should have been wearing a shower cap or something similar, too, to avoid leaving hairs. I don’t remember, though, if he was ever inside that apartment earlier in the film. If so, hair may not have been a big issue. Still. I vote for covering the hair. He does put on a knit cap on his way out, but I think that’s more to avoid any witness identification later. Or maybe, seeing as he is a cop, he would go to the scene after the murder was reported. He could always say he dropped any hairs then.
  5. My final tip for dumb criminals is this: don’t do it. Whether you’re dumb or not, you’re not going to have a better life as the result of criminal activities. You won’t be happier, healthier, or better off in any way. Odds are, sooner or later, and probably sooner, your life is going to get a hell of a lot worse. And continue to suck for years to come.

Dear Stupid Criminals

Dear Stupid Criminals,

I almost feel sorry for you. Y’all get caught because you make stupid mistakes. Don’t you watch Law & Order, CSI, or Criminal Minds? Bones? Judge Judy? Anything?

Since I almost feel sorry for you and I’m not going to tell you anything you couldn’t learn yourself by watching reruns, here is my d’uh list for those who want to actually get away with it.

  1. If you get a big chunk of money from any kind of crime-ish thing you’ve done, do NOT deposit it in your bank account. Geezus. If you become a suspect for anything, or you die or any government agency decides to take a close look at you, the IRS for instance, they are going to see a large and unusual deposit and want to know what that’s about. Seriously, man, what are you thinking? Deposit your normal deposits and keep the cash out to use. It’s not like you took a check, right? So hold on to the cash.
  2. If you have to drive in the commission of your crime, try not to use your own car. If you must, make sure you have a car that no one will notice. Sure, it would be cool to use your ill-gotten gains to buy a Hummer or a Viper or whatever, but if you drive that around, people will see it and remember having seen it. You really ought to drive a Honda or Toyota or something that is common enough that it isn’t memorable. No flashy colors,either, or bumper stickers or any other unusual doodads.
  3. If you are going to rent a car instead, don’t rent it in your own name, ya idiot. How many people have been caught because the police traced the car and discovered who had rented it. In their own stupid names! If you’re going to rent a car to commit a crime, you probably aren’t above stealing an I.D., a credit card, getting a fake I.D., or taking other measures to avoid using your real name and address.
  4. If you need supplies, say, electrical tape, rope, things like that, don’t buy them at the local hardware store. Drive a couple of towns over and buy them there. Pay cash. Bonus tip – while shopping, cover any visible tattoos, wear a hat, don’t wear anything memorable, and whatever you do, don’t make a scene or do anything to draw attention to yourself. And throw away the fucking receipt! Not in your own trash can.
  5. It’s best not to use tools or supplies from your own house. If you must, throw away the rest of the trash bags, remainder of the ball of twine, or whatever. They can’t match it to what they find at your house if they don’t find anything at your house,
    To be continued…

Gore Gawkers

There are many things people do that I just don’t get. Slowing down to get an eyeful of accidents on the freeway is one of them. Why on earth would you want to see that? Why? Why?? WHY???

Crumpled cars, blood, injuries, possibly dead bodies…don’t you get enough of that on the news?

Driving northbound on the freeway, traffic is backed up and barely moving. The reason for this? A gnarly accident on the southbound side. Move along, people, this does not concern you.

What is the fascination with in your face carnage? Is there not enough sadness and tragedy we can’t escape without craning your neck to add to your own personal tableau of horror? What is the appeal to these lurid lookie-loos? These are rhetorical questions. I don’t really want to know. I don’t understand it, but I don’t want to.

I have a serious aversion to blood and guts. I also have a terrible time dealing with the suffering of any living creature. I sure as fuck don’t slow down to gawk at it. When I worked at Licorice Pizza, we had a movie rental section. One day, Faces of Death arrived in our new product shipment. I slapped a “defective” sticker on it and shipped it right the fuck back out. Disgusting.

Not only is this all too disturbing with people going out of their way to see this gore, but, how about some dignity for those who suffer? How would you feel if people were stopping to gape at your mother, your sister or your son in his or her moment of pain and shock? How do you think these people and their loved ones feel when you whip out your cell phone and take pictures of them in intimate moments of suffering and plaster them all over the internet?

There is no doubt that these moments are intimate. It could be argued that moments of physical and/or emotional trauma are more intimate than sex. It is possible to keep up a front with all your defense mechanisms in place while having sex. Not so much during trauma.

Intruding on these moments is dehumanizing in the extreme and a major invasion of privacy.  Move along, please.

A Clean House is a Sign of a Wasted Life

I saw a woman on t.v., not an actor, who vacuumed her house three times a day.  Three times a day, every day.  It took me so long to wrap my head around that, I almost missed the part about how she wouldn’t let anyone, friend or foe, wear shoes inside her house.  They didn’t have any pets.  You have to wonder WTF she thought she was vacuuming up.

The vacuuming was only one aspect of her obsession with excessive cleanliness.  Cleaning, and terrorizing her family over it, was pretty much all she did.  She was very, very proud of her sterile environment. Me, I’m thinking this is not an accomplishment, it’s a freakin’ mental illness!  Her taxi came and was out in the street honking for her and she freaked out and had to vacuum one last time before she left.  While the taxi was in the driveway.  At the risk of missing her flight.

There she was, compulsively wearing out her carpet, day after day.  I wonder what kind of vacuum she uses and how often she has to replace it.  Once I got over my total disbelief that someone would spend her life like that, I just thought it was sad.  Nobody at the end of her life, on her deathbed, ever looks back and says, “Damn, I wish I had vacuumed more often.”

Miss Cleo

Remember Miss Cleo? The psychic network spokesperson with the (fake) Jamaican accent? I loved those commercials. They cracked me up. Never for a moment did I think they were real.

Imagine my surprise when Miss Cleo was sued, along with The Psychic Readers Network because of “deception.” Huh? People actually thought Miss Cleo was real and that if you called their hotline you could actually get a real reading from her? You gotta be kidding me.

Hello, commercial! Hello, actor! Do people think actors who do hemorrhoid commercials are real people who really have hemorrhoids? Do they think the “nausea, heartburn…” lady really has all that?

The reason Miss C. herself was named in a lawsuit is that, in Florida, the spokesperson can be sued as well as the the company she represents. The suit against her was later dropped.

I like to think that people can tell the difference between pretend and real life. Maybe not.